'i tried to tell 'em.. future let em know' - 17-06-2009

'I dont need nobody else, i can do damage by myself.'


Counting down the 11 hour days...
So... i guess im gonna start this whole blog thing off since a lots goin' on lately.. and i just wanna record it? Yeah.
So pretty much my life revolves around getting to LA and figure the next 6 months of my life in the lead up to LA is gonna truely SU CK; firstly, im working almost 11 hours a day everyday.. in a job where its complet ely necessary to allow someone elses blood on your oversized 'scrubs', spending 2 hours washing your h ands with about 56 different soaps when you get home is normal, and where the phrase ‘you can put a surgeons mask on if the smell of the burning into the urethra is too strong for you’ is totally fine. No I will never get used to the smell of burning flesh, no I don’t want to, yes I want to die in this corner, no do not resuscitate me, yes I know you taught me how to do it.
No matter how tedious things are getting, or how i really dont want be here, my heart is.. comfortable in the sense I know it’s all worth it.. and that in 6 months I’ll be where im supposed to be, dancing my ass off.. training with my heroes, living my dream. that’s all that matters to me, ever. All I wanna do in my life is to train to become professional… and inspire people. I just wanna make people feel the way I feel when I watch ian dance.. and nick demoura… and theway I feel when I see tucker move.. they make me feel like nothing else matters in the world.. just to dance.. I wanna make people feel like that. Make them wanna get a 11hours a day job take class like CRAZY and go to LA to train and be the best.. like I do, that’s what I wanna do.
Recently I’ve realised I have to look after ‘number one’, myself. Yeah I realise this may sound selfish.. it is selfish but sometimes in life you have to be. Ive come to a point in my life where its truly all or nothing, Iive realised whats important, whos important, if your not good for my life.. sorry but you’re out of it. Ive seen some people for who they truly are recently and ive not doubted it.. or gone into it, ive just accepted and and let go.. its not giving up on someone, its waking up… I don’t deal very well with people trying to hold me back or getting my way, in fact I don’t deal with them at all.. in the dance world that’s always gonna happen.. so I just take them out my life, take it out..ive realised I don’t have to fix things or chase anyone.. ima just deal with myself and myself only. Like Drake said, ‘im so far gone..’ from that. Drake knowsss:

“And I can hear the critics talking over the applause
Yeah
I tried to tell em', Future let em' know
Send the haters all my love—X and O
I got a black box where suggestions go
But I don't really give a fuck

It's prolly best you know
My reality is brighter than ya dreams are…
…Yeah and the visual is stunning
I hope they document what I'm becoming
Congratulations”



One thing in my life I cherish, when it comes to dance is that I can always say, ‘yeah, you know what, Ive done everything I could possibly physically and mentally do’ and I’ll continue to do that always, dance is blood. So it’s for that reason im putting everything on dance and where I want to be, where I will be.. I’m never gonna look back and say ‘yeah I could have done this or.. yeah I should have done that’ because im not thinking of how anything I do now is making me feel, just where it’ll take me... I have 2 things in my life, myself and dance.. my dream. I was listening to some people at work today ; “if I could go back I dgo into this with a different mindset” , “I would never have done this job if I could go back”. I was so shocked that you can live without such a meaning.. just surviving.. existing, my minds programmed to do what I love no matter what, I couldn’t see where they were coming from in a job you hate, just dayssss ina life your exisiting in.. it just mashped my mind up thinking about it..! such a waste! They have no clue why im there and that im saving and going in January…. For obvious reasons. So I just keep mysef to myself and do my job. Lately Ive realised ive become pretty cold.. nothing phases me; working in a hospital, I see the line between life and death every single day.. and nothing Isee or hear phases me..i just have my dream in my mind, that’s the reason im there, dolla dolla to get there!! $$$! and that’s it. Also I just don’t let other people phase me anymore.. its weird, im so headstrong nothing else matters.. sometimes I feel I feel as though im just waiting for my life to start when I get to LA…in fact I feel that a lot..I’ll stand by the fact you shouldnt let anyone get in the way of what your heart wants; follow your dream and find yourself because at the end of the day.. yourself and your dream is what you're ultimately left with, nothing else.
Belonging is strange. I guess its strange if it’s never been felt by someone before, I found myself in dance, this is where I belong, LA. ‘home’ is also strange.. if you know me you know i don’t call where I live home.. I call it ‘my house’. I guess I’ll never truly feel ‘belonging’ until I get to LA, infact I know I wont.. its not an ‘if’, it’s a ‘when’ and I know that time is soon because im making it happen. I don’t think of failing.. because it isn’t an option.. it doesn’t even enter my mind…. I don’t need any ‘back up’ much to the dismay of some of my family members, ‘back up’? are you kidding me. You get what you give with everything, its so cliché but clichés are underrated. Whe n I started dancing summer last year.. I had zero coordination.. nothing.. I had no clue how to move..zilcccchhh nadaaaa nothing. Since then im proud of how far ive come as a dancer and as aperson… all I wanna do is take class take class take class take class TAAAKE CLASS!!! I have so much more training to do .. its only just begun.. when I get to la that’s really when everything starts, i live to improve improve improve.. I just wanna be the best I can be.. no.. i wanna be more than that, I wanna be more than the best anyone else can be. It’s so weird, people ask me how and why I started dancing, I cant explain it, it was the one time in performingarts at college we had a dance class.. (if they can call it that) and something in my mind told me this was it.. this is what I have to do and from that day I dance every single day, it was like a drug... it still is. Slowly it became my life and in the space of the year I changed my whole outlook on everything,.. I changed my job/s, I stopped and thought of myself for the first time.. my true friends started to show, even my true family... I moved out for a while.. lived with friends.. half the time I don’t even live at my house… but somehow it didn’t even matter, there was and is only one thing in my heart.. what I wanted and needed to do, this was it. Ive pretty much got everything ive got on my own.. im proud of that.. its amazing what you do when you set your mind to it and TRY. This is what its like to ‘find yourself’ then. To get everything you want you’ve got to give everything you want.. it sounds weird I know.. this isn’t even half the story but.. its irrelevant, water under the bridge, I know who I am and where im going and that’s all that matters. told you I couldn’t explain it.. so I wont. Just watch. Im a working progress.. under construction.
27th – 31st july im in LDN for TKSPIN summer school….. dudeee jjust duuuuudeee DUUUUDE me and sami and are actually breathing for this moment right now! I guess this is really the warm up for LA… Jaffar Smith, Keone Madrid.. KEONE!!!!!! .. did I mention.. JAFFFFAAR??!?! These are th amongst people we watch on youtube for hours on end then go into a studio and try and learn their routines whilst theyre 6000 miles and were gonna be taught by them.. this is obviously gonna be my life in LA…. So this is the warmup.. im absoltely terrified haha i love it... I need this to take me to the next level.. its gonna make us improve a hellllla hellllaaa lot, im just siked to be finally almost closer to the dream.. training with these amazinf choreographers from LA.. just the warm up baby!!! But yeah, more on this to come.. I could talk about it for days already I seee allll these words on this page ive written and I cant remember what I said but yeah i need sleep and juice.. that’s pretty much about 0.1% of whats going on in my mind at the moment.. and the moral of the story is.. you give - you get. and ima work HARD and ima go get it.. for myself.


oh and i should share these rightabout now i guess.. they mean more than i could ever explain. the words in this video mean alot.. more than alot, this is pretty much a hug REASON.. Ian Eastwood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt5K_ryA3Cg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMTKEcQoie4&feature=channel

Nick and Ian.. They epitomise the word 'hero' for me.




peace