"its easier for me doing it the hard way"

So, firstly, i realised the other day that its easier for me doing my own thing, no matter how many people tell me im wrong or tell me different. this is my way of doing things and i guess its works for me; to quote.. 'i do what i do and you and you do what you can do about it". no one said this was gonna be easy and i dont want it to be, you get what you give and i'm gonna give a lot..


3 words : ruthless, apathy and indifference to EVERYTHING (execpt dance and LA) and towards ANYONE (minus about3 people)

Ruthless.

I have become completely and utterly ruthless:

defintion : adjective MERCILESS: hard, severe, fierce, harsh, cruel, savage, brutal, stern, relentless, adamant, ferocious, callous, heartless, unrelenting, inhuman, inexorable, remorseless, barbarous, pitiless, unfeeling, hard-hearted, without pity

wow, yeah.. pretty much all those things. im not in this to be nice, im in this to train and be the best i can be.. live my dream with the people that really matter.. and the people that feel the same as i do about dance. i cant find that here. like ive said.. more and more and more lately people are trying to bring me down.. especially in regards to me going to LA.. its crazzzzyyyy that i just dont care.. at all.. i have one thing on my mind.. training in LA...for myself. thats its... simple, everything or anyone else is so irrelevent. I never did get where people find the time to talk other peoples' lives or business? jeez i have no time to think about my own shit half the time, never mind someone elses are you kidddding me?! im on complete autopilot 99% of the time because i know where im going, it is what it is.


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Hunter. 20-06-09

Happiness is knowing you have complete control of everything and jeeeeeez i am happy, this week has been one of the hardest in more ways than one.. looking back now its been amazing, everything happens for a reason, thanks for opening my eyes even wider.. oh and remember when you're somewhere hoping i fall, i'll be right here working my ass off getting stronger and stronger ;)



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'It's true in 6 months you are gone & you will be living your dream to its fullest extent' 20-06-09

"im so proud of you.. you will make it and when you do i'll be so happy for you"

So i was just reading the letter Atem wrote for me.. i cant actually remember how many times i've read it, its one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever done for me; i remember it coming through the post and me just crying for a good half an hour just reading it hahaha..honestly.. i wont quoteanything else from it really because the letter and atem himself have a place in my heart that is too special to really share with well... anyone really.
There are some people in your life that will stay with you forever, they come into your life and leave a mark that will never go, its unspoken, no matter how far away you are from eachother. Atem is one of them people, he just gets me. i choose my family ; you know who you are.

Sometimes its hard to let go off people you know you shouldnt let go.. but for some reason or another, at that time in your life you have to. That sounds kind of Contradictory.. if you know you should let them go why should you? But its sometimes a case of the wrong time.. in a way.. ive had to let someone go because i just dont feel theyre meant to be in my life at this time.. Bascially.. and this so so bad and it call comes back to being selfish..but i dont have the time, i need to keep focused on myself - training and working, everything is for LA.. i cant get distracted by anyone.. if im meant to be with this person in the future.. it'll happen, just not now.. if its meant to be its meant to be, you shouldnt have to force anything. Its not just this particular person.. theres been a lot of people in the past week that ive got rid of.. simple as that, sorry if you're not good for my life round about now you're out of it. This week i was told im pushing myself too hard and i need to not take as much class... i get it that i need to rest.. but i just dont get it how i shouldnt take class. im so tired though man, i work 7-5, 8-6, 7-7, then straight to training.. my body hates me... but i dont need people around me telling me not to take class... i know i need to look after myself i guess im just too 'all or nothing'; but i wouldnt have it any other way. Going my own way and holding my own, working hard every single day; my true friends that i call family are always by my side, everyone and anything else is irrelivant. thats all im doing right now, working hard.. and its so natural... its like im on autopilot, my body just works works works and i dont care.. all im thinking about is LA.. theres a natural pattern to my life, who is anyone else to judge that? even with the best intentions people who try to give me advice they think im lacking in arent me, so they'll never get it.

Sometimes it's all about sacrifices, I know its worth it for what i want.


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'and im like stop, let me take a mental shot of this moment'

they say a photo can say a thousand words.. these say a thousand actions, my actions, they pretty much mean a lot.




the juice is worth the squeeze.

Im just doing me. 19-06.09

Sometimes in life its hard to remember whats truely important in your mind.. & not to get distracted by anything.. but this time in my life, im finding it pretty damn easy to JUST. DO. ME. Im just doing my own thing.. going my own way and staying true to myself. Theres so many people in the world.. especially in dancing, who will just try to bring you down in their actions and words.. a good friend of mine reminded me that ‘the easiest thing to do in life is to just cut people down’.. and its so true. Lately i noticed a few people tryna get in my way.. hold me down.. it just makes me ten times stronger and if you're gonna be tryna push hold me down.. when i get up its just gonna be tens times stronger; you always have to rememebr though, people say things for one reason or another.. everyone has insecurities and no matter what you do in your life, there is always someone who will have something negative to say about it, i guess this just proves how there really is no point in giving a damn what people have to say.. just do your thing, do it well... work hard.. and love it, the people that matter will care and respect you. I love people doubting me.. wheres the fun in people saying ' i knew you do it'. you didnt, and ima do it for myself. I always stand by the fact that you have to just focus on yourself; ‘hold your own, know your name and go your own way’.. I always wanna say I did this myself.. everything myself.. pretty much makes everything a hell of a lot more real and special to me.
At the end of the day, all you have is your dream and yourself, no one and nothing else; so you have to make the most of both these things, people will come and people will go.. but its as simple as this.. the people that are important in your life will either stay with you or they’ll leave a mark.
I have a few close friends who I truly adore.. they know who they are.. ive met all of them in the past year.... its crazy, sometimes you think ‘wow where have you been all my life’, but like Cristina has said, some people are like angels.. seriously, they are just MEANT to be there at certain times in your life.. i don’t need anyone to understand or ‘get me’.. these people don’t even have to try to get me.. I don’t have to explain to them.. and when I do.. they just know.. they just know. Recently.. I realised just how much they mean to me
Its crazy.. ive been in the UK for 18 years.. my whole life, ive lived in 6 different places.. different cities, 4 different schools.. so many different people.. and my mum asked me the other day what im gonna miss when I leave the uk. ‘nothing;. And I meant it.. I truly meant it.. how can you miss a place you don’t belong in, where you don’t feel your getting everything you want.. and where people just don’t get it. I’ll miss my soulstars.. the people I call my ‘family’ – my true friends them very few selected people I’ll ‘miss’. But anyone else.. no… I wont miss. And im not sorry.. My life hasnt even begun yet, it begins in LA. I spent most of my childhood trying to be ‘nice’, to be fair I kind of had no choice.. I went to 6 different schools so was constantly told I ‘had to try and make friends’..looking back I chased people that weren’t important.. but I guess that’s justbeing young, growing up and again- belonging... finding yourself. I now realise im not in this to be ‘nice’.. the fake kind, im in this to be true to who and what counts, to work hard and do everything I can to make this work.. more than work. Im looking out for 'number one'.. i HAVE to be selfish now.. thats what it takes. When you find yourself, you find who are what you are..what your meant to be, how your gonna get there and finally you find out who is really important to you.... sometimes ‘why’ or explaining yourself doesn’t matter.. in your heart you just know, its that comfort that I have recently found that is so important.. you just do you.. I work hard, I know in my own mind who I am, who I’ll be and where I’ll be.. that’s all that matters to me, no explaining. When im training and dancing, just today actually.. it clicked with me.. after kind of a few hard weeks at work.. and with a few people.. that nothing matters.. nothing at all.. this is it. this is me. im just doing me. everyone else that is stepping on my toes can go run their mouth, ima work ten times harder and rise while your hoping i fall.
In yourself is where you’ll find happiness. The truth will set you free.

"wear my shoes just to see what its like to be me, i'll be you lets trade shoes just to see what itd be like to feel your pain you feel mine ; go inside each others minds just to see what we find. look at shit through eachothers eyes, but don't let em say you ain't beautiful...they can all get fucked just stay true to you" - Eminem - 'Beautiful'


"we will kill or be killed, its about progress" -'plans' - bloc party


'ima keep my head up like my nose is bleeding'



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"then your like you know what, screw it dude and you like..do it" - 17-06-09

i live and breathe by this.
like... duuudess... i saw this at a perfect time in my life, it will stick with me forever.. so inpsiring.
"Whenever i started dancing i always believed like some people were born with it, and you watch them and your like dude they just have it and sometimes it'll be those moments where your like down on yourself, and this goes for anything. Some people are naturally talented.. but obviously its a matter of what you believe in like how much you believe your capable of doing it. Honestly if you put in the work and at first your like dude my body isn't capable of doing that, my body doesn't move like that. Then your like you know what screw it dude and you like do it... like honestly you can attain anything it's just a matter of when and how much work you put into it. So really if you have the heart for it, there's no such thing as impossible - i know that seems like a really generic saying, but honestly with hard work, you can attain anything you want." MIKE SONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emMEDq4MAKo


I'll always dance for myself, training to my limits.. anythings attainable as long as you believe you CAN, with hardwork you WILL; sometimes i feel so dumb when i cant pick up a routine or a certain move just doesnt seem to function in my brain and i just stop and think, you know what i can get this.. ive come far, i'll work to get this.. and i get it and i move on.. progress.. you just gotta work hard, nothing comes easy.. i like it that way... damn ive felt so low or bummed out about it at times.. but you gonna get down to get up right? it just makes me work even harder. 'chase the dream not the competition'

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'i tried to tell 'em.. future let em know' - 17-06-2009

'I dont need nobody else, i can do damage by myself.'


Counting down the 11 hour days...
So... i guess im gonna start this whole blog thing off since a lots goin' on lately.. and i just wanna record it? Yeah.
So pretty much my life revolves around getting to LA and figure the next 6 months of my life in the lead up to LA is gonna truely SU CK; firstly, im working almost 11 hours a day everyday.. in a job where its complet ely necessary to allow someone elses blood on your oversized 'scrubs', spending 2 hours washing your h ands with about 56 different soaps when you get home is normal, and where the phrase ‘you can put a surgeons mask on if the smell of the burning into the urethra is too strong for you’ is totally fine. No I will never get used to the smell of burning flesh, no I don’t want to, yes I want to die in this corner, no do not resuscitate me, yes I know you taught me how to do it.
No matter how tedious things are getting, or how i really dont want be here, my heart is.. comfortable in the sense I know it’s all worth it.. and that in 6 months I’ll be where im supposed to be, dancing my ass off.. training with my heroes, living my dream. that’s all that matters to me, ever. All I wanna do in my life is to train to become professional… and inspire people. I just wanna make people feel the way I feel when I watch ian dance.. and nick demoura… and theway I feel when I see tucker move.. they make me feel like nothing else matters in the world.. just to dance.. I wanna make people feel like that. Make them wanna get a 11hours a day job take class like CRAZY and go to LA to train and be the best.. like I do, that’s what I wanna do.
Recently I’ve realised I have to look after ‘number one’, myself. Yeah I realise this may sound selfish.. it is selfish but sometimes in life you have to be. Ive come to a point in my life where its truly all or nothing, Iive realised whats important, whos important, if your not good for my life.. sorry but you’re out of it. Ive seen some people for who they truly are recently and ive not doubted it.. or gone into it, ive just accepted and and let go.. its not giving up on someone, its waking up… I don’t deal very well with people trying to hold me back or getting my way, in fact I don’t deal with them at all.. in the dance world that’s always gonna happen.. so I just take them out my life, take it out..ive realised I don’t have to fix things or chase anyone.. ima just deal with myself and myself only. Like Drake said, ‘im so far gone..’ from that. Drake knowsss:

“And I can hear the critics talking over the applause
Yeah
I tried to tell em', Future let em' know
Send the haters all my love—X and O
I got a black box where suggestions go
But I don't really give a fuck

It's prolly best you know
My reality is brighter than ya dreams are…
…Yeah and the visual is stunning
I hope they document what I'm becoming
Congratulations”



One thing in my life I cherish, when it comes to dance is that I can always say, ‘yeah, you know what, Ive done everything I could possibly physically and mentally do’ and I’ll continue to do that always, dance is blood. So it’s for that reason im putting everything on dance and where I want to be, where I will be.. I’m never gonna look back and say ‘yeah I could have done this or.. yeah I should have done that’ because im not thinking of how anything I do now is making me feel, just where it’ll take me... I have 2 things in my life, myself and dance.. my dream. I was listening to some people at work today ; “if I could go back I dgo into this with a different mindset” , “I would never have done this job if I could go back”. I was so shocked that you can live without such a meaning.. just surviving.. existing, my minds programmed to do what I love no matter what, I couldn’t see where they were coming from in a job you hate, just dayssss ina life your exisiting in.. it just mashped my mind up thinking about it..! such a waste! They have no clue why im there and that im saving and going in January…. For obvious reasons. So I just keep mysef to myself and do my job. Lately Ive realised ive become pretty cold.. nothing phases me; working in a hospital, I see the line between life and death every single day.. and nothing Isee or hear phases me..i just have my dream in my mind, that’s the reason im there, dolla dolla to get there!! $$$! and that’s it. Also I just don’t let other people phase me anymore.. its weird, im so headstrong nothing else matters.. sometimes I feel I feel as though im just waiting for my life to start when I get to LA…in fact I feel that a lot..I’ll stand by the fact you shouldnt let anyone get in the way of what your heart wants; follow your dream and find yourself because at the end of the day.. yourself and your dream is what you're ultimately left with, nothing else.
Belonging is strange. I guess its strange if it’s never been felt by someone before, I found myself in dance, this is where I belong, LA. ‘home’ is also strange.. if you know me you know i don’t call where I live home.. I call it ‘my house’. I guess I’ll never truly feel ‘belonging’ until I get to LA, infact I know I wont.. its not an ‘if’, it’s a ‘when’ and I know that time is soon because im making it happen. I don’t think of failing.. because it isn’t an option.. it doesn’t even enter my mind…. I don’t need any ‘back up’ much to the dismay of some of my family members, ‘back up’? are you kidding me. You get what you give with everything, its so cliché but clichés are underrated. Whe n I started dancing summer last year.. I had zero coordination.. nothing.. I had no clue how to move..zilcccchhh nadaaaa nothing. Since then im proud of how far ive come as a dancer and as aperson… all I wanna do is take class take class take class take class TAAAKE CLASS!!! I have so much more training to do .. its only just begun.. when I get to la that’s really when everything starts, i live to improve improve improve.. I just wanna be the best I can be.. no.. i wanna be more than that, I wanna be more than the best anyone else can be. It’s so weird, people ask me how and why I started dancing, I cant explain it, it was the one time in performingarts at college we had a dance class.. (if they can call it that) and something in my mind told me this was it.. this is what I have to do and from that day I dance every single day, it was like a drug... it still is. Slowly it became my life and in the space of the year I changed my whole outlook on everything,.. I changed my job/s, I stopped and thought of myself for the first time.. my true friends started to show, even my true family... I moved out for a while.. lived with friends.. half the time I don’t even live at my house… but somehow it didn’t even matter, there was and is only one thing in my heart.. what I wanted and needed to do, this was it. Ive pretty much got everything ive got on my own.. im proud of that.. its amazing what you do when you set your mind to it and TRY. This is what its like to ‘find yourself’ then. To get everything you want you’ve got to give everything you want.. it sounds weird I know.. this isn’t even half the story but.. its irrelevant, water under the bridge, I know who I am and where im going and that’s all that matters. told you I couldn’t explain it.. so I wont. Just watch. Im a working progress.. under construction.
27th – 31st july im in LDN for TKSPIN summer school….. dudeee jjust duuuuudeee DUUUUDE me and sami and are actually breathing for this moment right now! I guess this is really the warm up for LA… Jaffar Smith, Keone Madrid.. KEONE!!!!!! .. did I mention.. JAFFFFAAR??!?! These are th amongst people we watch on youtube for hours on end then go into a studio and try and learn their routines whilst theyre 6000 miles and were gonna be taught by them.. this is obviously gonna be my life in LA…. So this is the warmup.. im absoltely terrified haha i love it... I need this to take me to the next level.. its gonna make us improve a hellllla hellllaaa lot, im just siked to be finally almost closer to the dream.. training with these amazinf choreographers from LA.. just the warm up baby!!! But yeah, more on this to come.. I could talk about it for days already I seee allll these words on this page ive written and I cant remember what I said but yeah i need sleep and juice.. that’s pretty much about 0.1% of whats going on in my mind at the moment.. and the moral of the story is.. you give - you get. and ima work HARD and ima go get it.. for myself.


oh and i should share these rightabout now i guess.. they mean more than i could ever explain. the words in this video mean alot.. more than alot, this is pretty much a hug REASON.. Ian Eastwood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt5K_ryA3Cg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMTKEcQoie4&feature=channel

Nick and Ian.. They epitomise the word 'hero' for me.




peace